The journey of a caregiver is quite turbulent. There are so many unknowns, so many urgencies. Every decision feels like a matter of life or death. Someone is dependent on you, counting on you to get them through, possibly, the worst episode of their lives. It is all very weighty.

In such a threat state, it is only human to respond in the “fight” mode. Tough it out. Make it all better. Fix everything.

Priorities change . You pour all your time, energy, and attention into caring for your loved one. Gradually, the things that were once important to you slip away. No time for the gym. No energy to go to that party. No attention span to read that book.

Even with your superhero cape, what you are doing is not sustainable. It is a recipe for the caregiver’s dilemma. How do you take care of you while you are taking care of your very ill loved one? While we all ‘power through’ in the short run, over time, the neglect of oneself comes at a price.

That price could be your emotional wellbeing. Frustration and anger take hold. You feel resentful towards your loved one and/or others. Without a break, burnout sets in. You no longer can bring your best self to your caregiving, and you are suffering constantly.

The challenge will show up physically. Regular exercise seems like a luxury. Your own doctor’s appointments are replaced by those of your loved one. You eat on the go – there’s just no time to cook. Fatigue sets in. You neglected to put your oxygen mask on first.

In sum, caregiving has put you at risk of your own illness. According to the CDC, caregivers have a higher prevalence of depression and show worse outcomes on a majority of health indicators (Physical and Mental Health Effects of Family Caregiving - Richard Schulz and Paul Sherwood) .Chronic stress from caregiving is linked to both mental and physical health declines.

Herein lies the dilemma. We know that caregiving can be deleterious to the giver but what are we supposed to do, not help? I suggest that we think about caregiving differently to avoid this dilemma. I have found there are three important ways to shift the caregiving approach to strike a balance between patient and caregiver.

The first of these steps is mindset. So often caregivers take it upon themselves to try and fix the situation – address the malady, find the cure, make it go away. The truth is, with rare exception, that circumstance is not in your control. You, alone can’t fix it. Trying to do so will set you up for disappointment and frustration.

Rather than adopting the mindset of fixer, I suggest that caregivers accept the situation and focus on what is in their control. That starts with mindset – your thoughts. How you react or respond to the situation directly impacts how you feel about it.

Let’s take an example. Let’s say you wake up and it is raining outside. The rain is not in your control; it’s just the current circumstance. You can choose to rail against it. Shake your fist at the heavens. That choice is likely to make you angry or sad.

What if you woke up and welcomed the rain? The rain waters the plants and crops that feed us. Well, that choice is likely to make you feel lighter, even happy.

I suggest the caregiving scenario is similar. You can rail against the illness, or you can find the meaning in the experience for you. When my mother came to live with me during her early stages of dementia, I found myself angry, frustrated, sorrowful and guilty – all at once, all the time. With the help of my coach, I came to see the power of assisting my mother during such a scary time. When I showed up without my fixer mindset, we were able to have some of the final meaningful conversations. I was able to create moments of joy for both of us in a painful journey.

I was only able to shift my mindset because I established some boundaries. Boundaries are the second step in avoiding the caregiver’s dilemma. What do I mean by boundaries? One way is to establish some “me” time and/or activities. For me, that means joining my paddling team. Two hours on the water three times a week gave me a hard break from everything else. Physical exercise often demands your full attention and gives your brain a break from all the logistics of caregiving. ‘Me time’ may be dinner with friends. It could be a quiet time with a book. The concept of setting boundaries means these things are not negotiable. As caregivers, we habitually give up what is optional. So, make it mandatory.

Boundaries also mean establishing what you will and won’t do. There may be tasks that your loved one needs or wants that you’re not capable of doing. A common example is lifting them from the bed to a chair. If that is beyond your physical limits, do not agree to do it. Set a boundary that says: All lifting will not be done by you.

What about things you can do but don’t want to? It is reasonable to set a boundary here, too. When my father made it clear that having his power of attorney came with the willingness to enforce a DNR (do not resuscitate) I politely declined. It’s my boundary – it’s just something I cannot do.

My last suggestion for avoiding the caregiver’s dilemma is community. So often we try to do it all ourselves. Perhaps because we don’t want to burden others.Perhaps because we haven’t learned to ask for help. Building a circle of care or community is vital for the health of both the patient and the caregiver. Beyond avoiding burnout by doing it all, building a community provides social interaction for both of you. Social interaction often significantly declines during these times, when you need it most. It’ll lift your spirits and lighten the load.

It sounds so simple. It is not easy. If you find yourself in that space, a coach can be a great resource. As an objective observer, a coach can assist with mindset shifts. Coaches can help you define, establish, and enforce your boundaries. Planning and executing a plan for a circle of care is a great coaching topic.

Caregiving is hard. You don’t have to do it alone.