One of your dear friends or colleagues is dealing with a serious diagnosis for their loved one.They are stressed, depressed and grieving all at once.You watch as they struggle to juggle their normal life with their new role of caregiver.

They struggle to do it all.Their work is suffering, and they worry about what their employer might do if they don’t improve.Maybe their children are feeling neglected because their parents’ attention is divided.They don’t have time or energy to be the kind of friend they’ve always been.It’s all a prescription for burnout.

You’ve offered to help – “I’m here for you.Anything you need, just call.”And yet, they never call.You feel guilty as you watch the coming train wreck.You offered. Now and then you think about their plight. Increasingly, it’s out of sight, out of mind.You’re losing your friend.

As a long-time family caregiver, I recognize the desire to help.On my journey so many people reached out to say some version of “Whatever you need, let me know.”As well-meaning as that is, such offers add to the list of burdens the caregiver is carrying.They don’t have time or energy for themselves; they won’t take the time to think about what you can do to help.

What was most helpful to me as I cared for my loved one was the actions that anticipated my needs without me having to ask.Meals premade and ready to eat, a lift to the doctor, a dog walk when I was exhausted, and unannounced visits to lend a hand around the house.Even if it was inconvenient or not quite on the mark, those efforts were so welcome.

Typically, caregivers put themselves last.All the focus is on the patient, the loved one.Those around this situation know it is not sustainable – there will be burnout.So, if you want to help, better to do than to ask.Bring over a meal, babysit the kids, buy some groceries, fill the car with gas.Take away the daily grind wherever and whenever possible.It’s an incredible relief; a burden lifted. Caregiving is difficult and overwhelming.Make sure the caregiver has some time for themselves.

If your friend is struggling emotionally, take it one step further.Be there without judgement, advice or a need to solve.Listen deeply.You don’t know what to say?You don’t have to say anything.More often than not, what is called for is a shoulder to cry on or a patient ear to really hear them.Caregiving is difficult and lonely.Make sure the caregiver has emotional support.

When it all gets to be too much, when putting one foot in front of the other is difficult, it might be time for professional support.Asking for help can be difficult.This is another opportunity for the caregiver’s community to step in.Rather than suggesting they should get help, consider giving them the help they need.

• Hire an in-home caregiver for one day to give them a break
• Buy them a session at a spa to help them relax
• Obtain the counsel of a Financial Planner if expenses are a worry
• Give them a package of sessions with a Caregiver Coach to help address the emotional toil and create strategies to move forward

Watching a friend struggle is difficult.The desire to help is strong.So is the desire to not make things worse, say the wrong thing, add to the burden. We are, after all, human. Running toward pain takes courage.

I, too, found in many difficult medical situations with friends my response was to retreat.Leaving them alone seemed the best path.Honestly, that was more about protecting me than supporting my friend.That was avoiding the difficult conversation and the challenging feelings that arise when someone is in pain.

If you can reframe the situation away from your fears of ‘screwing up’ and toward being there no matter what, I hope the suggestions above spark ideas of how to bring care.Through my caregiving journey, I most remember the little ways people showed up.The advice fell away, the awkward conversations long forgotten.My life has been so enriched by those who could be present.I strive to be that kind of friend.